Dialogue of a Confident, Independent Woman

My parents raised my sister and I to be strong, independent women. We were never taught that we couldn't do things because of our gender and that certain jobs were "boys" or "girls" jobs. I suspect this was easier to do since there were only two girls and no boys growing up. Who mowed and trimmed the lawn, cooked dinner, did laundry, ironed and relocated 1/2 cord of wood growing up? My sister and I. Our mother never told us, "When you grow up and get married, you can do whatever you want ..." or anything like that. It was usually, "When you grow up and have your own place ..."


My recent adventures into the dating world is a place I haven't had much experience in this. Then again, I haven't had much experience in dating. I've mostly just "hung out" and then, Bam! We're in a relationship. Usually because we've just had sex and one of us (okay, mostly me) wants to see the other one again.


After my date with T last Sunday, I decided I didn't want to pursue anything else with him. And when I didn't hear anything from him during the week, I thought perhaps he felt the same way. Until T called Friday night and left me a casual message saying hi. Rats. Now I'd have to call him back. (Calling T back was reaffirmed after a very long discussion with a co-worker on the way back from Baltimore about how it drove him nuts when women would get his messages and texts, and then wait a few days before responding.)

I waited a day and called about 7:00 pm Saturday. Below is basically the message I left:

"Hello, T? Thank you very much for lunch on Sunday, Clyde's was a nice restaurant. I, er, don't think, um, (short, uncomfortable laugh) jeez, I don't know how to do this, (then I burst out with) I don't think it's going to work out between us. I hope things go really well for you, and if you have any questions, you can call me (What the f*** was I saying? I was trying to say we shouldn't see each other any more, and I'm leaving the door open for more communication?!?!). Anyway, thank you again for lunch, and good luck."

I can't even imagine how much more disastrous the conversation would have been if T actually picked up the phone. As soon as I hung up, I realized what a mixed message I left. In my defense, I've never had to leave a message like that for anyone (as if you couldn't tell).

Well, at least I got the following done:

1. First date post-divorce? Check.
2. First awkward phone call letting the other person know I don't want to see him anymore? Check.
3. Feeling like an awkward teenager still? Check.
4. Slightly embarrassed because I feel like I should have learned this stuff already instead of learning it in my thirties? Check.
5. Willing to keep trying and possibly make a fool of myself? Check.

One thing I've come to accept. It's mighty hard for me to find another relationship, get married, and have kids if I'm not willing to meet men and go out on some dates. Mighty hard.

So I'll keep trying. I accidentally bought a 1-year membership to eHarmony anyway. What the hell. Call me an optimist.