Update from Me!

I've been busy doing life stuff and not chained to my laptop avoiding school work, work, and program stuff.

Although the procrastination does come out every now and then.

Currently, I'm in New Orleans getting ready to finalize my divorce from Dean tomorrow. It's been a long process that officially started January 23, 2005 (two weeks after my 33 birthday - oh joy) when I moved out and told him I was leaving. In reality, it started sometime in October, 2005 when I realized Dean came back to the house after evacuating for Katrina, and I wanted to stay in Houma on a friend's couch. I did lots of praying and meditating, we went to a marriage counselor, and I did everything I could to attempt to fix my side of the street, but it's hard to keep a marriage going when only one person is interested in trying to address and come up with a mutually agreeable solution. So I left.

I've talked with my sponsor through the whole process and afterwards, and even though I think I'm done doing step work and looking at my part in the relationship, something else always pops up. I don't know when this process will be done, if it is ever done, really, but I know the only hope I have to some sort of happiness and peace in the future is if I keep at it.

So I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Harahan (suburb of New Orleans), writing out the Story of Jennifer and Dean so that I can get help seeing things clearly. And let me tell you, it's not pretty. Pretty messy and ugly, maybe, but not pretty in the I-wish-I-could-keep-deluding-myself-it-was-all-him-and-not-me way. Damn this rigorous honestly thing.

But I'm realizing that there are things in my past before I ever met Dean that complicated our relationship and are complicating things for me today still. And the scared resentful part of me wonders if those things will ever go away or at least recede far enough in the background that I can have a chance of a healthy relationship. And the part of me that understands and accepts the program as a universal truth that everything happens for a reason, and I don't have to understand everything in my life to learn from it. And then I go back to the scared part of me that wants to run screaming from the world and hide in my bed.

So I don't know how this will turn out. And I don't know if I'll ever get married again or end up in long-term romantic relationship. I've had people tell me that it will happen for me, that I'm a good person and stuff like that is supposed to happen for people like me.

Of course, those are the same people that tell me I'll get promoted at work, and so far I'm 3 for 3 for getting passed over. So I've learned as much as I want something, or other people want something for me, or as much as everyone else and I think I "deserve" something, it's not up to us mere mortals. There is a plan for me, and I don't get to have a say in it which sometimes just really pisses me off.

So I keep plugging away at this thing called life one day at a time doing the best I can. And sometimes that's being a useful member of society who cares about others and tries to do my Higher Power's will. And sometimes that means I stay home and absolutely refused to go to a meeting and do the next right thing.

All I know is, the $2000 I spent hiring a divorce lawyer was the best two grand I've ever spent in my life.